Initial Responses to Grief and Loss
Today I would like to share some thoughts regarding some of the initial responses and reactions to a death related loss.
It’s tragic. Losing someone you love so deeply or someone who had such an impact on your life is painful. It hurts in ways that some people can’t begin to describe and even if you had a heads up that death was coming, you still may feel unprepared and overwhelmed with all of the emotions involved.
There are many emotions that come as natural responses to loss. Today, the focus will be on:
Shock
Numbness
Denial
Disbelief
Repression
Distraction
Avoidance
That’s a list of 7 painful emotions that were likely never taught to you, were never mentioned in school, and rarely, if ever, were discussed in your family growing up or amongst your closest friends. But all of these emotions- with their realness and a good purpose to experience- are very important and significant to gaining a deeper understanding of how your grief process works.
In our time together today, I am going to share an overview about each of these 7 emotions. As I share, please consider which one (or more) might be affecting you the most.
And please do your best not to judge what comes up. These are NATURAL responses and reactions to loss- with death related loss being an event that most people never ask for. So you experiencing these emotions are neither wrong nor bad. They are natural, human, and instinctive for surviving a tragic event like what you’re experiencing.
Let’s start with the experience of shock. It often happens as a first response to loss and gets labeled as the beginning of grief.
As most people know about physical or medical shock, in which the organs don’t get enough blood flow… that puts the body in danger.
Psychological shock, which is what happens in grief, is different in the sense that the surge of stress and emotions you feel overwhelms the rest of you. As an example, if you felt like you were out of your body when you first became aware of the death of your loved one, that was likely the experience of psychological shock.
You can still be in psychological shock, even after weeks or months after your loss. If you feel disoriented right now, that’s a strong indicator that psychological shock is still your current experience.
If that’s true for you, do your best to make sure your physical needs are being met- like eating, personal hygiene, sleeping, resting, and relaxing. If you’re unable to rest and relax right now, know that this is common and it’s okay to get help. There are great Therapists and Mental Health professionals who can show you tools and teach you skills to help equip you with ways to cope and manage the more painful emotions, such as shock.
Let’s now talk about numbness. Numbness is like this prominent detachment from everything around you. It can be like having an affluent affect in which you feel nothing. As a metaphor, numbness is like your body’s gone cold but you don’t really feel it so you don’t tell yourself you need to warm up.
Numbness from grief happens a lot. It’s a coping mechanism to help you survive the moment. It’s not wrong, bad, and it’s not a form of denial. One thing to know about grief related numbness though is if it’s not eventually addressed, you could feel constant fatigue and develop sleeping difficulties.
Most of the people I’ve supported through grief numbness have benefited from taking walks. Walking helps clear the mind and get emotions moving through you. When walking, you see different things but you can also think about your loss and the events currently happening in your life right now. If grief numbness is part of your experience right now, try to get out for a walk each day.
Moving on to the next emotion on the list, I’m gonna combine disbelief and denial in the same context. Grief disbelief often happens when you first hear the tragic news. It’s easy and natural to be unable to accept the reality of your loss. The unintentional denial can lead to feeling disbelief. This is a normal part of the grieving process and can help you adjust to the new, forced reality that results from your loss.
So yes, you’re hearing me correctly when I say it’s okay to have feelings of denial and disbelief. As counterintuitive as that may sound, it’s helping you to survive and manage your emotions in the moment. It’s also helping to make your loss less painful and more tolerable.
Denial and disbelief may be what helps you continue to function and live- keeping some sort of routine. It also helps you continue to care for loved ones, continue to work, and feel some sense of normalcy in your daily activities.
The next emotion on the list is repression. Practically speaking, that’s taking your thoughts and feelings about your loss and stuffing or pushing them somewhere deep within - in the hopes that they don’t resurface.
There are theories that claim repressing thoughts and feelings is more harmful than helpful. By repressing grief related thoughts and feelings, you can prolong your process.
The theory is that if it’s repressed inside you, it still impacts how you think about other events in your life, how you relate to people, and what your outlook on life may be. Some mental health models claim that if grief is repressed, it can increase the risk of having more depression, anxiety, or post traumatic stress.
Sometimes repressing grief just happens. There isn’t really an intention or conscious thought to do so. To prevent yourself from repressing grief, there needs to be some space to allow yourself to feel. Ideally, a safe and supportive space where you can fully express the grief you’re feeling and thinking about.
Next on the list is distraction. This means bogging yourself down with tasks that fill your schedule or focusing on things that prevent you from processing grief. Simply stated, you make yourself too busy and your time and attention goes elsewhere. Distraction is common and can be a helpful coping mechanism because grief can’t be everything all the time, especially when you feel sad, lonely, and directionless.
Distraction from grief requires some conscientious consideration about how long you want to avoid the feelings and thoughts. For example, If you find yourself watching television during all of your free time, you may want to do a self-check to see if you’re distracting yourself from something important.
Distraction, like all other emotions described so far, isn’t bad nor wrong. Think of distraction as temporary relief. But distraction can become avoidance, which is a full out effort to keep grief away, and that can do more harm. It’s like feeling a wave of sadness and telling yourself “nope. No time for this right now” and then never making time to process how you feel.
Avoiding grief can have harmful effects. It can create problems with forming new relationships. It can also prolong your grief process, meaning it could take much longer to feel better and move forward with a sense of love and honor for your late loved one. Avoiding grief can also make you feel more anxious or stressed, in general.
To prevent yourself from avoiding grief, implement the tools and techniques previously mentioned in this article. Acknowledging the reality of your loss and fully feeling what comes up is a meaningful way to process grief. Talking things through with someone equipped to listen and not judge, and doing things to nurture your physical and emotional needs all can help.
So as we wrap up this conversation about some of the initial and natural responses to grief and loss, there were 7 common emotions discussed. These emotions include:
Shock
Numbness
Denial
Disbelief
Repression
Distraction
Avoidance
Many can be helpful coping mechanisms in the short-term but most are harmful in the long-term. You’ll want to make sure that you’re not resorting to one or more of these emotions to prevent yourself from fully processing your grief. But you will want to make sure you’re caring for your needs and not overwhelming yourself with too many thoughts and feelings about your loss.
To help strike a healthy balance, you’ll want to make sure you have a good support system - with people who will listen and not judge, you’re getting proper nutrition and moving your body enough, and you’re engaging in activities that help you express your emotions.
There’s a lot to process from the list provided here and I hope you take some time to think about these emotions and if they are impacting your life right now. Is there one initial response mentioned here that feels more familiar? Is it helping you take breaks from grieving? Or is it preventing you from processing your loss?
Take a moment to ponder your responses and if you’re feeling something strongly, use the journal feature on the Grief Refuge app to express your feelings. Try not to judge yourself when you do. Just express what you feel through your writing and move that energy from what’s inside to now something outside of you that’s physically visible.
That’s some good grief work for today! Well done.