What to do When Grief Weighs You Down

Have you ever felt like grief has drained your energy? The sadness and despair feels like too much to handle and too much to manage. Desperation feels like an understatement. You're at your wits end and the future looks bleak.

This is normal to experience in grief. Many say that grief shatters you into a thousand pieces and the process of healing requires you to find what works best for you- to put the pieces together and go on living.

But when you're grieving, your brain isn't working the way you want it to. At times, it works against you. Confusion, lack of concentration, disorganization... they are all normal and natural responses to grief.

If you've lost your keys and then later found them in the freezer, you're not alone. This is an example of what grief can do to you.

And when you're at a place where you have 'grief fog' you may not know what to do next. And ironically, more times than not, when somebody tells you that you should _____ (fill in the blank with pretty much anything), it ends up feeling more hurtful than helpful.

So it's a dilemma. A betwixt and between. An unknown. A feeling of being stuck in grief.

This is so painful and it has a name. It's called the liminal space.

The liminal space is a nonphysical place where most people hate to be, but where the experience of grief leads them. It's forced upon a griever. Simply stated, no one ever asks for loss and no one ever asks to be in this situation.

The liminal space is often where a worldview-the set of beliefs about how the world functions and what place they as individuals occupy therein-comes into question. The liminal space weighs people down because it's filled with uncertainties, unknowns, and a lack of direction or purpose.

If this sounds familiar, I first and foremost want to express my deep compassion and empathy. Being in the liminal space is a hard place to be and it can feel quite painful.

There needs to be things to help mitigate the pain. And for the rest of this article, I would like to focus on the things that can get you out of the liminal space and help lift the weight of grief off of your shoulders.

A caveat...

What will feel good to you and help provide comfort and relief will be different from many other people grieving. It's a disservice for me to stay "do x, y, and z" and your grief will be healed. However, there are general principles that can be followed which will help make the weight of grief feel much lighter.

Principle #1 Create a Sanctuary

Everyone needs a safe space to grieve. A space where the good, the bad, and the ugly emotions can be fully expressed. Having a space to go to and fully express your emotions is called a sanctuary.

When you have a sanctuary, you have trust that the space will hold you during this time of grief and mourning. A sanctuary could be anywhere. (These days, many people use their car as a sanctuary.) As long as there is no distraction, you feel supported, and have the flexibility to grieve in any way you need, you have a sanctuary that will help you through this difficult time.

Try to find or create a sanctuary if you can. You can use the Grief Refuge app in your sanctuary to help process your emotions.

Principle #2 Stay Heart-centered

When you're grieving, many of the things that happen around you or the things that people say to you can feel hurtful despite their original intention to be supportive. It's natural to have a reaction like feeling defensive, getting angry, and behaving in a not so courteous way.

This is common and there's no judgement for having this type of reaction. However, my advice to you is to do what you can to prevent your heart from hardening up. In other words, do everything you can to refrain from having defensive and angry reactions as your primary "go-to" response. A habit like this hardens the heart.

Staying heart-centered through grief may be a huge investment of your energy but there are benefits. Many grievers have told me they realized that when they limited their defensive reactions to other people, they felt less lonely and more seen and heard by the people that showed up to support them.

These are very important aspects for grieving, healing, and moving forward in life. Everything created for and on the Grief Refuge app is heart-centered and helps you stay connected to what feels more heart based for you.

Principle #3 Spend More Time in Nature

If you’ve wanted to get away and spend more time in nature when you’re grieving, you’re not alone. Being in nature has so many benefits. So much so, calling nature a saving grace may not do it enough justice.

Your grief can take you to some dark places. Being in nature helps to recognize not only that there is light, there are also seasons and life cycles that surround you.

Just being in an environment like this can help your intense emotions settle and soften a bit. You can also see beyond what’s in front of you and take in a new or greater perspective. Doing so can give your mind and heart a much needed break from grief’s overwhelming and consuming demands.

Can you spend a few more moments in nature today? You don’t have to get out of town and camp. You can walk barefoot on your lawn or at the nearby park. You can tend a garden for a few minutes.

You’ll find yourself a bit more relaxed when you do. You’ll feel refreshed; even if it’s a little bit. You’ll feel some endorphins and appreciate the well deserved break.

There are beautiful images and sounds of nature in every feature on the Grief Refuge app. Use the app to help you take a nature break today.

Principle #4 Honor Your Grief

When you think about honoring a loved one, you essentially are doing something to show your love and respect for them. You can do the same to honor your own grief. The word honor means to “recognize the value of” and “respect.”

My mentor, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, has said “To honor your grief is not self-destructive or harmful, it is courageous and life-giving.” Honoring your grief is counter intuitive and isn’t something taught in most grief support related programs. Because it’s very uncommon, I agree with Dr. Wolfelt that it is a courageous act. I can understand if there's resistance you may feel regarding the need to recognize value and respect something that can feel so painful.

When you honor your grief, you are respecting it as an important part of your life. I believe that grief shows up as a teacher in times of hopelessness and despair. Honoring your grief can help you find more hope.

Honoring your grief is paying attention to it as a part of you that has a purpose and a point to it. It’s also listening to it, feeling it, and expressing it. Instead of dismissing or numbing grief, honoring it may be an important thing in helping make what feels unbearable more bearable.

Please honor your grief by subscribing to and using the Grief Refuge app. Using the app is a great way to feel supported through this difficult time. There are so many things you can do with the app. All of the features include these four principles mentioned in this message, and more importantly, help you feel cared for and supported in an authentic way.